Today I worked the lunch rush at my job. I work at an establishment that gets insanely busy during peak meal times. Amid the craziness, I look up and realize there is somebody in the lobby that I was not expecting. Sitting not too far from where I was, a person that I had a history with a hundred years ago was having what seemed to be a business meeting. I was not mentally prepared for that, but fortunately, I did not personally have to interact with them. Not much can throw me off, but their presents did.
I met this person through my old church. We were friends until we weren’t. The Bible says you will know a tree by the fruit it produces, and their fruit was rotten. I was young and had little knowledge of how to set boundaries, however, I knew that I had to cut them out of my life. I did not (and still don’t) allow any kind of further communication.
Although we didn’t talk or see each other, we still ran in the same circles. After a while, they stopped showing up to congregation but every single week I would sit in service anxious as fuck. I would be upfront worshiping and scan the audience to make sure they weren’t around, and when the sermon was being presented I paid attention to when the door opened. My church had a half-assed security team, but I did not feel safe at that place. This person never physically hurt me, but ‘confessed’ a certain aspect of their life to me, and I was done. I know that partially my nerves that got the best of me every week, but I also had a legitimate reason to be on edge.
Looking back, it is clear that I shouldn’t have stayed in a place that made me feel uneasy. I am a firm believer in listening to your body, and for months my body screamed to get out every time I stepped foot in that building. It didn’t take long, but eventually, that person wasn’t welcomed back at all (I wasn’t a part of that conversation).
I wish I could say that I stayed because I wasn’t going to let one person ruin a place I called home. That is not my truth. I stayed because I was scared of falling away from my faith and thought that if I left or had taken a break for a few weeks that would happen. Church attendance is drilled into believers for this reason, and because more attendance equals more money in the donation plate. Losing my faith or even asking the wrong questions about it was my worst fear, because if I lost my faith I thought that I would have nothing. For other reasons, I eventually stopped attending services there and lost my faith but turned out okay. I have not become a lifeless vessel and have a peaceful little life.
As I grow older, I learn more and more that leaving places or environments that make you feel uneasy is perfectly okay.
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