Growth is good and necessary in order to evolve. It is no secret that I am a completely different person than I was five or ten years ago. I still have the same personality because I no longer let a book dictate every little detail in my life. When I think about my former motives for good deeds, and what I used to say or post, I cringe because I (now) see many of those actions as harmful. Harmful to others, and a little bit to myself.
I was raised around a culture that believed only evangelicals were good people. It came from a close-minded idea that non-Christians, had no grounds for morality if they didn’t believe in the bible. Therefore only Christians could be good because they had the “correct” way of finding truth. If it wasn’t for fear of eternal judgment, why would anyone be motivated to do good?
Being sheltered, I had limited interaction with anyone who didn’t have the same morals as my parents. My two ways of getting a taste of the outside world were through orchestra activities and 4-H. In the minimal contact I had with the real world, it didn’t take long to realize that my secular friends, were nicer than the ones who went to church. However, I could never convince anyone in my religious circles that the outside world was kinder.
I hate to admit it, but back in the day I never had pure intentions when trying to do something kind. I was only motivated by two things. I wanted to “Minister” to anyone and everyone. Somewhere in the New Testament, there is a verse about being judged for your neighbor if you didn’t witness to them. Secondly, I wanted to do good deeds to lessen my judgment when I die. The god of the bible is abusive and it is easy to turn into an endless mind fuck of trying to be impossibly good enough to get to heaven.
Am I a better person now that I’m not involved in any organized religion? I don’t know. I am still judgmental, but I am wayyyy less judgy than I used to be. I don’t volunteer nearly as much as I used to, but that’s because I don’t feel obligated to help save the world. I don’t invest as much in friendships, but I also have zero intentions of trying to convert my loved ones. I have stronger boundaries, but I also don’t have ulterior motives (that I’m aware of) in trying to be a good person.
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