Oh god, I need to show some grace

If you’ve been reading my blog for years and years, you’ve probably noticed a shift in the wordage that I use in blogs revolving around God. As I’ve gotten older, my beliefs have evolved (as they should). I’ve been hesitant to share posts about the questions that I’ve been asking. I know that this audience was built on Conservative evangelicals/messianic and the majority of them would tell me that I’m asking the wrong questions.

My life has been crazy since I moved in with my boyfriend almost two years ago. From that day on, I’ve had an influx of individuals trying to minister to me about my situation. As time has gone by, I’ve had fewer people come to me with casting judgments. I’ve become selective about who I associate myself with spend time with. Yes, I am confident in my belief that there’s nothing wrong with living with your partner outside of marriage. However, I am not going purposefully go out of my to hang out with those who make me feel shitty about my life choices.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about how I’ve repetitively been invited to go to mass from a mutual friend. I expressed how I found it distasteful because that is their response after every “controversial” blog that I write. You see, this isn’t anything new for me. When I was writing primarily Messianic related content, I had many people inviting me to Sunday Church. But honestly throughout my life, I’ve been invited or ministered too numerous times. Why? Because according to everyone else I’ve never defined myself in the right sect of evangelicalism.

It is frustrating to (seemingly) always be preached at when you don’t ask for it. I hate to admit this, but at points of my life, I was that person. If I ever did that to you, I am genuinely sorry. I thought that I was doing what I did out of love. However, I’m sure that it came out judgmental. Let me explain.

Arguably, the basis of Christianity is the basis of heaven and hell. Yes, the idea of relationship plays a key role however in my opinion there wouldn’t be a need for a relationship without hell. I wonder how much of an impact Jesus would have had if he wasn’t a martyr.

Terror is a word to describe how I felt about the idea of my friends not believing. Why? Because I lived in fear of my loved ones going to hell for eternity if they didn’t do things the way that I thought needed to be done. It’s no excuse, but I was deeply indoctrinated. For myself, with every mess up I did, I feared dying and going to the not so happy place. Eventually, I became more secure with my relationship with the Lord, but this anxiety manifested into trying to indoctrinate everyone.

If I have ever judged you, for not seeing spirituality the way that I did, I am sorry. If I brought up the conversation of heaven or hell, unsolicited I am sorry. If I have implied that you were broken and the only way to be unbroken was to have a relationship with Christ, I am so sorry. Now that I am not as involved with that crowd, I have much more of an understanding of how shitty that was for me to do.

We all think that we know the answers, but it is my belief that we just have ideas. If heaven or hell is real, I think that once we get there, god will reveal places that we should have improved and his original intentions for us.

Lately, it has been on my mind that I need to extend grace to those who are inviting me to church or opening up spiritual conversations. Although it can come across differently, I want to believe that they are doing it out of love. Although I don’t always do so, I want to be one that shows grace just as others have done to me. At this point, I don’t believe that theirs one set way to show love from the higher being. I think that it can be achieved from simple acts such as purchasing a meal for someone who is hungry, or even being a good friend.

As always, feel free to reach out.

With all the love,

-Lama Leah

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