I was always taught that if a couple lives together outside of marriage it was a sin. I was taught that you will be so close to each other, that neither of you (but mostly the man) will be able to avoid the temptation of having sex. That is the same community that taught me that it is my personal responsibility to keep a mans heart pure by keeping my wardrobe modest. The community that prioritized stopping abortions over helping the orphaned and widowed. And is the exact community that said that motherhood should always prioritize over careers.
I did not fall in love with the kind of guy I was supposed to. With my upbringing, I should have fallen head over heels for a bible thumping, white, Republican. I should have chosen to spend my time with someone who believes that a women’s purpose is to be a keeper of the home, and raise babies. Instead, I brought home a man who is open-minded, creative, and politically liberal. I fell for someone who will clean the earwax out of my ears, remind me to put feminine hygiene in my bag, and answer the MANY questions I have about life every day.
At this point in my life, the mere thought of intercourse scares me more then I would like to admit. Between growing up in purity culture, and a slew of negative sexual experience I don’t have warm and fuzzy feelings when I think about sex. In fact, I think about chewed up pieces of gum, shame, and guilt. I mentally, have a difficult time seeing sexual experiences as a whole as something that is good. Therefore, until I figure out and work through that I am choosing to be celibate. I am doing this for myself and no one else. Not for my mother, my multiple bible teachers or my boyfriend. I am abstaining from sex until I figure myself out.
I supposed in a way, purity culture worked for me because as an adult in a committed relationship, I don’t want sex. Don’t get me wrong I am sexually attracted to him, I just don’t want something going inside myself.
I have received criticism for living together outside of marriage. I have been warned about the “Evils” of it, and have probably lost some readers. I have been asked why I don’t just move in with my sister or another family member. Personally, I think the main reason that I have received criticism is because it is perceived that I am sexually active. As I grow and experience the world I realize that Christians have a weird obsession with sex. I am not out murdering people, or harming anyone in any way so why would it matter if I happen to be in love with my roommate? We have dinner parties, we have movie nights, we have impromptu get-togethers on Saturdays, please tell me how I have so-called “Ruined” my life or my testimony. It is a Christian tradition that couples don’t live together outside of marriage, however, I have not found where it is at in the Bible. And if I WAS sexually active, why is it made out to be a big deal? Especially because it would be between two consenting adults?
I was not raised to live the way that I have chosen to live my life. I also have never been happier before. For the first time, I surrounded by others who I can ask my questions, and freely express my thoughts too. I don’t worry if I am look or appear to be, “Christian enough” and I just let God shine through me instead. I am with someone who encourages me to pursue my dreams, and proof reads my resumes. I am watching films that I would never be encouraged to even think about viewing if I hadn’t left that previous community. I am figuring out how I desire to live my life. Yes, maybe I did find the “Wrong Guy,” However, I am growing more as a person and am empowered and am encouraged abundantly more any previous Christian boyfriend did for me.
With love,
Lama Leah
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