It has been a lifelong struggle and for most of it, I have felt alone. I distinctly remember the day that it started, and from then on my life was never the same. I was about 7 years old, I was laying in my bed and felt of wave of sadness that I had never experienced before. It was more than being simply sad, in a single moment, life suddenly seemed unbearable. Within this moment, my life truly started escalating. It was not long after that, that I began developing unhealthy relationships with food. I tried my very best to hide the sadness that I could not explain. I knew that I probably needed professional help, but did not know how to bring that topic of discussion up to my parents. Anyone who knew me as a young child probably saw the overwhelming depression, in fact, anyone who knew me ever probably saw that in me.
Fast forward to 2014 and my mental health took a turn for the worst. Life seemed even more overwhelming and it was more visible. I started attending therapy every few weeks. While my mother had good intentions when she put me into therapy that was not enough for me to recover and heal. At that point in my life, I had mentally accepted that I was never going to get better, and because of that, I stopped trying to fight. I accepted that I was not going to get better, and when I did that, I eliminated the possibility of any sort of healing.
By 2015, I had tried to end my life and started going to therapy on a weekly and bi-weekly basis. I must admit however, I still did not personally seek or desire recovery even though I was taking the steps to find it. On top of still dealing with extreme depression, and anxiety, I started dealing with profound PTSD in the form of depersonalization and dissociation disorder.
After being in therapy for over two years, I began to start sharing with my therapist. I started to desire to put the work into therapy that was needed to make it work. I am a completely different person than who I was throughout my adolescence. As I have gone through a transformation with my mental health, I am not healed. I know how to cope with my mental conditions, but they are still there. I have leaned on Christ for healing, however, this is something that I am still waiting on healing for. I know where hope comes from, but sometimes that hope does not feel like it is enough to help me get through the day. I have leaned on Christ more than some will ever know. I have felt like a bad Christian but I have had to come to the conclusion that depression is a chemical imbalance. I take precautions so that it will not become worse. For the most part, I know what my limits are so that I can prevent things from escalating.
I am not always, “Okay” but I have learned how to be okay with that. Those who know my story, tend to think that I managed to get through the year 2015 and I am 100% healed, and the truth I am not. I am rarely 100% okay. I struggle on almost a daily basis. I do my best at hiding it, and for the most part, I believe that I do okay at succeeding at it. I am not ashamed to say that I struggle. I realize when I need to make an appointment with a therapist or look into pharmaceuticals. It has been a lifelong struggle, and probably always will be. As long as I truly know that my identity does not lie within my health, career, or achievements, but only in Christ, I am going to be okay. My life changed the day that I started having mental health struggles but I choose to look at it not as a challenge but as a life-long strengthening process. I love you all so much! If you have any comments or thoughts please do not hesitate to reach out.
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