An Open Letter To The Person I love But Can’t Be Around

To be honest, I miss you.

I would by absolutely lying if I said that I don’t think about you every day. Some days, I would give anything to text you, see you, or dance with you again. Before you left, we used to hangout all the time. I miss how we would stay up talking. I miss how you would give me feedback on my Lama Leah posts. I miss learning from you, and how you would challenge me on a weekly basis to be a better student of the Torah. I miss that. I miss you.

I truly believed that you were trying your best to uptain the Torah. I believed that you loved the law. I believed that you were following it.  Maybe I put you on a pedestal. Maybe I began to look at you, instead of the Tanakh. Maybe I should have spent my time with more people who are willing to be vulnerable, open, and real.

I don’t miss how you didn’t support my choice to start pursuing the industry, even though, in a way, you had the same desire that I had. I just went about it in a different way. I don’t miss how it sometimes felt like you were judging me when I broke a Mitzvot. I know you did it out of love, but I didn’t appreciate how you would lecture me when I didn’t wear Kosher clothing, or did something fun on a Saturday. Sometimes it felt like your entire religion was based on a set of rules but those rules were not in your heart. I hate that you felt a need to tell me what I, “can and can’t” wear to a photo shoot. Or that you cautioned me more than you supported me.

What I hate the most is how things ended. I hate how I went months with no explanation of why you were no longer around. I hate the fact that I didn’t know if you were safe or even alive. For a few weeks after you stopped responding to any form of communication, I went to a few of your hangout places, hoping that I would find you, hoping that I would be informed that you were okay. I did not know if you were safe, or even alive. I cared alot for you. We saw each other multiple times a week, so my life felt weird not to see you often.

What bothers me the most, is finding out where you are, and what you did to be placed there. It scares me because I truly thought I knew you. I have had sleepless nights since you have tried to contact me again. I have thought, “This could have been me. I could have been your victim.” Ever since I found out who you are, trusting people again has been hard. What did I miss about your persona? How did I miss knowing who you are?

I choose not to allow you into my life anymore because I need to spend my energy with go getters and you are not that. If I want success in life, I need to spent time with successful people. I want you back in my life, but from a distance. However, I need to put myself first at this point in my life.

I miss you, and I will always love you, but at this point you are not worth the tears.

~The best friend that had no idea who you really were