An Open Letter of Apology to Those Who Watched Me Suffer in My Addiction- Guest Blog

I can never use enough words, say enough things to explain how sorry I am.  Some of you knew about my addiction for two years, others only for a few months. But it doesn’t matter if you watched me struggle for two years or two months, this is for everyone who watched me suffer in the middle of addiction. You all watched me as I chose a quick fix over love. You watched as I ran to the razor instead of you. All the while hoping that I would use the people available to me and reach out to them on the days when the struggle was so hard. You watched me drown and struggle in my addiction when you were right there the whole stinking time. You must have wanted to scream at me come on we are right here, don’t destroy yourself, we believe in you, we love you, please don’t do this to yourself. It’s like I ignored all that love that was surrounding me. You were right there loving me the entire time and you watched as I chose a quick fix over love. I can never explain how sorry I am for that. It must have been awful watching me struggle but not being able to do anything. You all watched me drown when all I would have to do is grab one of the many hands reaching in to help me and stand up. I’m sorry for the nights you would lose sleep because you were worried sick about me. Wondering if I was going to hurt myself yet again. Wondering if I would cut myself too deep and lose too much blood. Praying with so much passion that I wouldn’t cut myself, that I would stop hurting myself, that I would see the light, that I wouldn’t give into the addiction. Some of you watched me for a very long time wondering if I would ever come back to the me I used to be. I want to thank you for waiting so patiently throughout the years.

I’m sorry for putting the addiction first. I know that sometimes I wouldn’t consider how it would make other people feel when I gave into my addiction. And oh, how wrong that was. I should have considered not only the damage I was doing to myself, but also the damage I was doing to my parents, my friends, my pastor, and my mentors, my siblings. I’m sorry for the many times you had to let me go to make my own choices yet want to do everything to stop me. I’m sorry you had to watch as I slowly destroyed myself. I’m sorry for all the destruction and pain my addiction caused everyone in my life.

I also wanted to thank you guys. Thank you for never walking away. Thank you for believing I could overcome. The faith you all had in me really helped me overcome my addiction. Thank you for caring about me when I continued down the road of addiction and showed how little I cared for you guys. Thank you for loving me even when I loved my addiction more than I loved you guys. Thank you for never once giving up for me. Thank you for all the times you were there for me. Thank you for giving me hope that I could overcome. Thank you for pushing me to do what I thought was the impossible. Thank you for loving me at my absolute worst.

Thank you.

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