As I was driving down the road I was struggling to understand. I poured my heart out to God. It started out as a prayer. “God please help me to let go. Help me to just rest in the fact that You got this.” But then my prayer gets violent. I am screaming at God. “GOD WHY? THIS IS NOT WHAT I PLANNED!” I start pounding on the dashboard. I am screaming, people along the road are staring, but I don’t care. I release everything you’ve been holding on to. “God I wanted to spend the summer in camp, I wanted to get so close to you this summer, I wanted to go to a Christian University, I wanted to go to college with my best friend. God why are you doing this? This isn’t fair. I don’t want this, but I can’t do anything to change it. I’m tired of having to explain myself to everyone. I’m tired of being the subject of gossip.”
Many of the things I wanted seemed good. In fact, they even sounded Biblical. However, it’s what I wanted to do and not what God had in store for me. I thought going to a Christian University and ministering at a camp was what God’s will was for me. The message that was ingrained in me throughout my elementary and high school years was: Go to a Christian University and you will be doing God’s will and you will be a Great Christian.
‘God’s will’ is a term we use a lot. But when we say God’s will is it really His will or is it simply what we want with a label attached to it? I wanted to serve at camp, I wanted to go to college with my best friend so I labeled it as God’s will. Because it seemed right and it was what I wanted. However, God’s will is so much more than us.
The Truth is sometimes what people tell us is God’s will for us, sometimes what we think is God’s will for us simply isn’t. We struggle to understand why everything is changing when we think what we were going to do was God’s will. Sometimes what God’s will is for you no one else will think is God’s will for you. Right now, God wants me to go to a State University. Is everyone going to think I’m doing God’s will by going to a state university? No of course not. In fact, many people will think I’m rebelling against God, they will think I’m doing the wrong thing. But let me tell you something I don’t need people’s approval. If I know what I’m doing is what God wants, I’m doing what’s right. I do not need other people to tell me what is right or wrong. Of course, I can get counsel, but ultimately my decisions are between me and God. Is everything going to change? Yes, I won’t be as close to some people and I might be more alone than ever before. But the truth is. I need to be willing to step out in faith. I need to be willing to go alone sometimes. I don’t need permission from others to grow. Not everyone who started with me will finish with me and its hard but it’s okay.
We don’t always know what God’s will is for us. Truthfully doing God’s will is not about knowing what to do in the future. Doing God’s will is actively stepping out in faith on a day to day basis.
I don’t want any of this to happen. I was trying to hold it all in for the past two months. But I couldn’t. I started screaming at God. I poured it all out. Everything. And that was good. It helped. I want to encourage you. If you are struggling to understand, if you are trying to keep it all together, but secretly you are falling apart. Go find a private area and pour your heart out to God. Pound the ground. Scream out in anguish. Get it all out. God desires you to be real with Him. Don’t hold on to your pain, take it to the one who carried the whole world’s.
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