A Look Inside My Life With Anxiety 

When I woke up this morning I was in a pure panic. I had many things to accomplish and I was in fear of missing a task, not having enough time, and disappointing someone, including myself.

I drive myself to a Torah study that I was invited to and on my way I worry that I’ll either be “too early” and/or be there before my friend who invited arives. I know that there will be food and I worry about eating in front of others. I am anxious thinking about the fact that I may have to read a part of the Torah portion in front of the group. I worry that I won’t be welcomed. I dread answering the questions about what I’m doing with my life because I am in a time that I am waiting on direction from God.

I arrive at the home 15 minutes early, but that’s “too early.” I drive by the location and one car is in the driveway and I don’t know what kind of vehicle my friend is driving and so I waste some gasoline and drive around the neighborhood for 15 minutes and arrive right on time. When I ring the doorbell I find out that the hostess have a dog and strangely I’m relieved and in the end Torah study was fine and I had a great time.

After I left Torah study I did a brief reflection of 2016 and remember that it’s been a great year, especially because 2015 was a wretched year. Life is good right now. This is the longest period of time ever that life has been good and my anxiety starts again as I wonder “Which desert am I going to walk through next?” On the car radio the Christian radio station starts playing song after song about trusting in HIM and I have some Shalom from God.

Fast forward to the evening. In the back of my mind I know it’s New Year’s Eve and the traffic could/will be bad. As I’m getting ready to go my dad says, “Be safe,” and tells me a story about how he saw a drunk driver this morning and to be extra aware. I zone him out when he tells his story because I know I will be even more terrified to drive if I listen to his story. I have a few places to go before the party, the traffic is heavy and I am overwhelmed. As I am arriving to my second destination, while trying to switch lanes, I am almost hit and my ability to keep everything together is quickly leaving me. I put the location of my party in my phone’s GPS and it cannot find the home. My anxiety is rising and I am frustrated and overwhelmed. By now I am late and it isn’t helping. My emotions are all over the place and I cannot handle going to a party after how my day has gone. I try to fight my anxiety but this time it has won. I skip the  party and go into the nearest parking lot that I can find. As soon as I put the vehicle in park, I get into a fetal position and try to cope with the emotions of the day.

On days when my anxiety isn’t bad, I can handle these situations but today I can’t. I hope I can deal with life tomorrow. This type of day is all too common for those who struggle with anxiety. If you are struggling right now, I want to assure you that you are not alone and it is okay to be not okay and you are loved.

Happy 2017!

One thought on “A Look Inside My Life With Anxiety 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s