I have learned so much within the time that I have been regularly blogging. I have learned that as a believer it is important to share your stuggles with the world because you never know who is going through similar situations and needs encouragment. I also do not want to come across as a “perfect Christian.” Being honest about my journey being anything BUT perfect shows what Christianity is about. It is not about portraying yourself having a perfect life, but to live as Christ did. Although He lived a sinless life, He did not just associate himself with those who society would portray as being “perfect.” He chose to use the outcasts, and broken, but whole through Him, to do His work.
From the time I was young, I had a low self-image and self-esteem. I always believed that because of my learning disabilities, my value had somehow decreased and my deep thoughts and opinions were not wise enough to be told. I never thought that I was enough.
When I started writing and sharing my work I never thought that it would become what it has become. I did not expect my friends to read it, neverless complete strangers! About a year ago, I had a slow month. I checked stats often and they were constantly low. Someone asked me out of curiosity why I looked at them. They advised me not to be constantly checking if I am writing for myself. I followed their advice. I did not look once for weeks, but I continued to publish. At that point in my life, I was seeking professional mental health help. Because of my insurance, periodically, I had to make a “plan” and had to decide what I wanted to work on for the next several sessions. Personally, the most impactful “plan” that I had was called, “Feeling that you have a voice and using it.”
In the words of Madea, while working on that plan, “[she] slapped some sense into me.”
She would say, “Do you feel that you have a voice and that you can use it?”
“Because my thoughts are never good enough.”
“Says who? If you never share your thoughts how will anyone be able to know what they are?”
The words in the last statement have been transformational for me. I had never thought of it in that way before. At that point, I started writing more frequently but still didn’t look at the stats. I decided that it didn’t matter if anyone was reading Lama-Leah as long as I shared my heart in every post and shared about G-d while doing it. After several weeks, I finally checked. I had come to the knowledge that I was either blogging for my own mental health purposes of getting used to sharing my thoughts and testimony with the world and that writing was a to boost my self esteem, or I was blogging to bring glory to the Kingdom in ways that I couldn’t on my own. The moment came that I checked my stats and to my suprise they were high, not only in America but several other countries, as well. Lama-Leah was being used for both.
I had always believed the lie that because of my academic disabilities I am not creative, worthy, intelligent, wise, and that my voice doesn’t deserve to be spoken or heard. But when I actually started using it, I started to realize that this simply isn’t true. I was deceived into believing that I could’t make an impact for the Kingdom. I was comparing myself and abilities to others but when I stopped doing that I found the ways that I can make an impact. I see others hurting and can use that as an opportunity to minister. I can be a friend. I can bake/cook for others, listen, encourage, write, and use my voice in order to make a difference.
I don’t need a perfect ACT score, or 4.0 GPA in order to do any of that. I personally believe that Satan made me believe that I do not have a voice or the ability to make an impact for G-d, because he knew that once I believed I could indeed make a change for the world, and found my value in Christ, I would be unstoppable.
I am not going to be the doctor who moves to a third world country and devotes their life to saving dying children. I am going to be the one who writes a book someday and it will encourage others to keep walking with the L-rd. I know that I have a voice and I can use it.
Unfortunately, I can not go back and live in the past but I can create myself a brighter future. The great thing about life is that you can never go back into time but you always have the choice to make today better than yesterday. I am really starting to see how G-d is using my brokenness that the world gave me and I caussed myself from living in sin and He is taking all of that JUNK and creating beauty from it. How will I let anyone know what He has done if I don’t use my voice? What good does that do Him when He is the one who has made the transformations?
To anyone who is doubting the power that they have, please let me encourage you. You will never know how much of a difference you can make in the world and more importantly the Kingdom(!!) until you try. You hold brillant thoughts – let others hear them! Don’t spend your life not using your full potential. Think about where the world could be today if we all used our G-d given voices. I spent 17 years not believing any of this but keeping all of my thoughts inside. I wonder where Lama-Leah would be if I had started believing in myself and finding my full value in Christ sooner. My works are read all over the world, what could I have had accomplished if I had started sooner?
I promise you that you have something incredible to offer the world. You have the choice to use it or not. I encourage you to do the first. Love you all!
“The greatest way you can give up power is believing that you don’t have any.”